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Halloween HORROR-scopes!

What to wear, What to wear...

By Pegasus ("Who else?")

or a while now, I've been watching my pet Human, Wendy, do these little horror-scopes of hers. And I've decided it's time for a REAL expert to step in! (Ahem, that would be me...) And with Halloween coming up, I've decided that this is the perfect opportunity to give you sage advice to help you embellish your bod, garnish your gams, and costume your carcass. So...Carpe Decoratum!

My pet Human already gave you your Lunar Eclipse Horoscope (for Oct.2005). To do that, she looks at the planets, signs and other alien life forms, and figures out what they have to say about your Sun Sign. But I have something she doesn't – my Coolandgroovy Cosmic Cordless Cellphone Channelling Contraption! (That's CCCCCC for short.). Using this amazing device, I have a direct psychic hotline to the planets. And they have bestowed upon me the secrets of exactly how you should run your life.

...Starting with what costume to wear this Halloween! Not just an outfit, but a whole character for you to "wear" like a theatrical role. Listed below are the best disguises for each Sun Sign to wear for Halloween 2005, determined by interpreting the alignments of the October 2005 Lunar Eclipse. Think of this as your Halloween Horror-scope! And be sure to read all the signs, so that you can tell which Zodiac Sign energy your friends are attuned to.

BUT! You have to promise to USE this sacred wisdom! If you don't, the Cosmic Cellphone Channel will become a dial tone, my feelings will be hurt, you'll turn into a pumpkin, and your karma will go retrograde and start redialling every telemarketing person who ever called you.

With that in mind, here are the secret instructions for your best Halloween costume this year. And to get you properly outfitted for your escapade, check out some ideas for Halloween decorations, costume ideas, accessories, loot-bags and clothing

May I show you something in a Trick or Treat bag? ...My head, for instance?

Aries

An ethical pickpocket guru, who gently but persistently persuades people to hand over their money so s/he can give it to the poor...after expenses, of course.

Taurus

The Godfather who makes people offers that HE can't refuse. Or...the evil Fairy Godmother who is a tour guide taking people on guilt trips to spiritual retreats.

Gemini

Information broker who sells secrets about past lovers, which are marketed as channelled "automatic writing for the esteem challenged."

Cancer

A horse racer who ensures victory by using emotional blackmail about the judges' interior decorating tastes from back in their college days.

Leo

A self-taught preacher who always loved the pageantry of the theatre and secretly longed to be an actor, and who now writes critical reviews of other preachers' sermons in the local newspaper.

Virgo

An independent stock broker who uses "inside information" that is channelled from dead CEOs, concerning financial investments in belief systems that involve carefully calculated risk.

Libra

A government advisor who counsels special task force subcommittee chairpersons about how to purchase mystical artwork as a way to soothe the pain of defeat in political candidates who lost past elections.

Scorpio

A marriage broker who is a specialist in the field of arranged marriages between the living and the dead, and who also negotiates insurance policies that allow the dead to hide the benefits from their living spouse so that they can collect it in their next lifetime.

Sagittarius

A benevolent dictator who declares war on bad art and makes it mandatory for all art forms to be designed by a committee of fallen angels using their non-dominant wing—er, hand.

Capricorn

A singing CEO who stages theatrical performances for company shareholders, complete with fireworks and smoke and mirrors, from inside a control booth behind a small curtain...who gets outed by a pesky little dog.

Aquarius

A guru with a large, devoted following (okay—obsessed throng), whose mission is to buy treasure maps of ocean floor real estate and divide the booty among the spirit guides of the devotees.

Pisces

A strategic psychotherapist who runs for political office, only to discover that the vote is tied (between the voter's left-brain and right-brain) and that the only way to break the tie and win the devoted hearts of the voters is to step aside and let his/her opponent win.

© 2005 Wendy Guy. All rights reserved. This material may not be copied or used without the expressed permission of the author.