By Pegasus ("Who else?")
Well, well, I
guess it’s time to say hello-to-the-folks! I finally made it on my
very own page in this soppy wet rag. My pet Human, Wendy, didn’t
really want to let me in here ‘cause she was a-feared I might write
gooder than her. (Hrmph!) Well, her worst nightmare is about to come
true and that mare’s name is PEGASUS!!! Er—except
that the "mare" is really a steed...
Now, at the
time this article was first published, my pet Human was asking
readers to fill out a survey and mail it in. But she censored the
best questions! No one ever listens to me (sniff). So, I decided I
would show her up by doing my own survey (this one being slightly
altered to website format), just to show you all who’s the better
horse! (tee-hee) Be sure to answer all questions honestly!
QUESTION #1: How
many times have you threatened to kill Mercury while he was doing
his retrograde rumba?
Be honest now! Anyone who answers “less
than 12 times per retrograde cycle” is lying, okay? Now for the most
important part: HOW did you figure to do it??? (evil grin)
(Careful, this is a trick question...) When was the last time
Neptune transited your chart?
Um, ah, er,
mrph, gulp, shrug, sigh... What was the question again?
QUESTION #3: What
do you do if your astrology client asks if they’ll ever have another
Look at Mars
in their 7th house opposing Saturn on their Ascendant,
T-squared by Neptune, and tell them that marriage is overrated.
name and phone number of your last blind date.
Refer them to
the local glue factory to find a permanent bond.
Uncle Pegasus will bring them one for their next Solar Return if
they’re very, very good.
And last, but not least, QUESTION #4:
How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, as
long as she/he is having a Mars transit.
- Who cares?
Astrology is totally fatalistic and no one will ever change.
Excuse me, I have to go kill myself now...
An Aries to get mad at the light bulb for burning
A Taurus to
dicker about how much a new one will cost.
A Gemini to
tell the light bulb’s life story and how it came to need
A Cancer to
reassure the bulb that it will be okay.
A Leo to
sing the praises of illumination.
A Virgo to
analyse the situation, figure out the best bulb to use as a
replacement, and determine if the old one can be recycled.
A Libra to
keep everyone else from fighting about it.
to insist that we should learn to face the darkness without a
Sagittarius to pontificate on the moral implications of trying
to change someone.
to oversee the whole procedure and drive everyone crazy giving
to break the light bulb and etch graffiti on the walls with the
shards, writing that "every piece of the whole has meaning and
Pisces to... to... what was the question?
One to get
the light bulb’s date and time of manufacture.
print the computer chart.
rectify the birthtime for more accuracy.
still doubt the accuracy of the birthtime when the Ascendant
turns up as 29 degrees of Cancer.
argue about which house system to use.
contribute information about Chiron and the other Centaurs, the
asteroids, the Uranian points and various comets.
calculate the Part of Illumination.
quote yet another scientist who claims astrologers are using the
therefore compare its Tropical Zodiac chart to its Sidereal
Zodiac chart and its Heliocentric chart.
calculate the precessed Solar Return.
calculate the sesqui-septile aspects to its
wonder if anyone has already done any research into the natal
charts of light bulbs.
create a lecture about it to deliver at the next astrology
One to post
their progress on the Internet in the astrology news groups.
And one to
discover that the light bulb was just really burned out due to a
heavy Saturn transit.
Now, all you
have to do is fill out this form, rip it into shreds and bury it in
your back yard just after midnight when the Full Moon is in the 8th
house, and then send me $100 in small unmarked bills. Doing this
will bring you mystical dreams, aerate your lawn, and let me take
that vacation I’ve been wishing for. ;-)
Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be back again in the next issue to tickle
your transits and mangle your Mercury!
© 1997, 2004
All rights reserved. Originally published in Transitions
Astrology Newsletter, Aries-Taurus-Gemini 1997 Issue.