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Pegasus :
The Survey

By Pegasus ("Who else?")

Well, well, I guess it’s time to say hello-to-the-folks! I finally made it on my very own page in this soppy wet rag. My pet Human, Wendy, didn’t really want to let me in here ‘cause she was a-feared I might write gooder than her. (Hrmph!) Well, her worst nightmare is about to come true and that mare’s name is PEGASUS!!! Er—except that the "mare" is really a steed...

Now, at the time this article was first published, my pet Human was asking readers to fill out a survey and mail it in. But she censored the best questions! No one ever listens to me (sniff). So, I decided I would show her up by doing my own survey (this one being slightly altered to website format), just to show you all who’s the better horse! (tee-hee) Be sure to answer all questions honestly!

QUESTION #1: How many times have you threatened to kill Mercury while he was doing his retrograde rumba?

Be honest now! Anyone who answers “less than 12 times per retrograde cycle” is lying, okay? Now for the most important part: HOW did you figure to do it??? (evil grin)

QUESTION #2: (Careful, this is a trick question...) When was the last time Neptune transited your chart?

• Um, ah, er, mrph, gulp, shrug, sigh... What was the question again?

QUESTION #3: What do you do if your astrology client asks if they’ll ever have another relationship?

• Look at Mars in their 7th house opposing Saturn on their Ascendant, T-squared by Neptune, and tell them that marriage is overrated.
• Provide the name and phone number of your last blind date.
• Refer them to the local glue factory to find a permanent bond.
• Tell them Uncle Pegasus will bring them one for their next Solar Return if they’re very, very good.

And last, but not least, QUESTION #4: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?

• Only one, as long as she/he is having a Mars transit.
• Who cares? Astrology is totally fatalistic and no one will ever change. Excuse me, I have to go kill myself now...

• Twelve:

1. An Aries to get mad at the light bulb for burning out.
2. A Taurus to dicker about how much a new one will cost.
3. A Gemini to tell the light bulb’s life story and how it came to need changing.
4. A Cancer to reassure the bulb that it will be okay.
5. A Leo to sing the praises of illumination.
6. A Virgo to analyse the situation, figure out the best bulb to use as a replacement, and determine if the old one can be recycled.
7. A Libra to keep everyone else from fighting about it.
8. A Scorpio to insist that we should learn to face the darkness without a night light.
9. A Sagittarius to pontificate on the moral implications of trying to change someone.
10. A Capricorn to oversee the whole procedure and drive everyone crazy giving orders.
11. An Aquarian to break the light bulb and etch graffiti on the walls with the shards, writing that "every piece of the whole has meaning and value."
12. And a Pisces to... to... what was the question?

• Eighteen (of varying signs):

1. One to get the light bulb’s date and time of manufacture.
2. One to print the computer chart.
3. One to rectify the birthtime for more accuracy.
4. One to still doubt the accuracy of the birthtime when the Ascendant turns up as 29 degrees of Cancer.
5. Two to argue about which house system to use.
7. Three to contribute information about Chiron and the other Centaurs, the asteroids, the Uranian points and various comets.
10. One to calculate the Part of Illumination.
11. One to quote yet another scientist who claims astrologers are using the wrong zodiac.
12. One to therefore compare its Tropical Zodiac chart to its Sidereal Zodiac chart and its Heliocentric chart.
13. One to calculate the precessed Solar Return.
14. One to calculate the sesqui-septile aspects to its Sun/Part-of-Illumination midpoint.
15. One to wonder if anyone has already done any research into the natal charts of light bulbs.
16. One to create a lecture about it to deliver at the next astrology conference.
17. One to post their progress on the Internet in the astrology news groups.
18. And one to discover that the light bulb was just really burned out due to a heavy Saturn transit.

Now, all you have to do is fill out this form, rip it into shreds and bury it in your back yard just after midnight when the Full Moon is in the 8th house, and then send me $100 in small unmarked bills. Doing this will bring you mystical dreams, aerate your lawn, and let me take that vacation I’ve been wishing for. ;-)

Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be back again in the next issue to tickle your transits and mangle your Mercury! 

© 1997, 2004 Wendy Guy. All rights reserved. Originally published in Transitions Astrology Newsletter, Aries-Taurus-Gemini 1997 Issue.